Why Millennials Are Putting ‘Relationship Audit’ on the Shared Calendar

Ahhh February. The month of love. Of red roses and poems and cards and grand romantic gestures. But as well as scheduling in candle-lit dinner dates, some couples will be scheduling a tete-a-tete of a rather different nature.

I can’t quite explain the dread I would feel if I was scrolling through the shared calendar with my partner (which of course would require me to have a shared calendar with my partner) and came across the entry ‘Relationship Audit - Sunday 2pm’. It could be followed by as many heart emoji’s as they liked, but it would still strike fear into my heart. I’d immediately assume I’d done something wrong and was about to be hauled over the coals for it.

But believe it or not, relationship audits are the latest trend in modern love.

Think of it as a financial review which you might have to endure at work… but with more feeling and (hopefully) fewer spreadsheets. Some couples call them check-ins; presumably to make them seem less intimidating. They’re basically scheduled conversations where couples pause to assess how things are going, talk about what’s working and what’s not, and shape expectations and boundaries.

It kind of sounds reasonable doesn’t it..? So why does it give me the ick? Possibly because it sounds devoid of romance and spontaneity, two things which I have reclaimed with vigour in my new post-divorce relationship. I’m really not sure I want to start putting an agenda together and having conversations across the kitchen table where we take notes on one another.

However I know there must be some method in the madness and I’m keen to find out what it is I’m missing out on. Relationship audits may sound like a catchy phrase coined by therapists after one too many couples moaned that they ‘just don’t talk anymore’, but actually, it seems that they’re an increasingly popular preventative measure taken by couples to safeguard their collective future; ‘marriage insurance’ is how one of my (admittedly quite unhappily married) friends describes the process.

Millennials were the first generation to pride themselves on being intentional and having open communication. The stiff upper lips and buried emotions of their parents having taught them valuable lessons. So they’re now increasingly treating their relationships the way they treat their careers; performance reviews, goal setting, constructive feedback.

Harvard’s famous Study of Adult Development, which has been studying couples and families for more than 80 years, states that the quality of close relationships is one of the strongest predictors of long-term happiness and health… so surely scheduling in time to ensure the quality of your relationship with your partner, makes sense? For me it’s just about doing it in the right way. Finding a way to have these conversations without an impending sense of dread. Without seeing your ‘chat’ as a way to criticise and complain because you have the time set out to do that. It could turn into open season couldn’t it?

A quick google search has actually given me a fair few reasons why, according to therapists, relationship audits are a great idea.

Here are their pro’s:

●      They catch problems before they spiral out of control

●      They boost communication and intimacy

●      They can help keep shared goals a priority

●      They build trust, even though sometimes things might be hard to hear.

So therapists, I see your pro’s and I acknowledge them, however I raise you, my cons:

●      Am I still going to want to rip my partners clothes off if he’s just set me a new set of KPI’s to work towards?

●      Are these audit meetings going to stir up a hornets nest of stuff which is best left alone?

●      How can you find a time which is conducive to both parties being receptive to feedback which might not be positive?

●      What if you go through these audits and then don’t see any changes being implemented?

I realise that a lot of my con’s, in fact OK, all of them, come from a place of fear. Of picking a scab and worrying it might never stop bleeding.

So how do we go about putting together a practical and successful relationship audit? The internet is awash with advice from charities such as Relate and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Here are some top tips:

●      Schedule it like a date - not a court hearing.

 Sunday brunch, a nice early evening walk? Think cosy vibes not paperwork over the dining table.

●      Encourage consistency

Agree a timeframe which works for you both. Once a week is probably too heavy, but once a month might leave one partner feeling a bit stranded. Where is the sweet spot for keeping you connected?

●      Break it down into four sections:

• Wins - What is going well between the two of you?

• Feelings - How are you both feeling?

• Needs - Is there anything you need to adjust to keep each other feeling connected?

• Goals - Is there anything each person could work towards to help their partner feel more supported

●      Celebrate, instead of evaluating

Be sure to give your partner praise and show your gratitude for what they’re getting right, rather than just giving a list of things they need to improve.

●      Be willing to ask for help from a professional if you’re finding communication tricky

Coming to the end of this article, I’ll admit I’ve opened my mind slightly to the idea of these audits (although the word still gives me the creeps). In a world where our lives are busier and more stressful than ever, maybe intentionally carving out time to work with the person you love is actually, dare I say it, romantic after all.

Do it with humour, do it with kindness, do it with snacks, do it with a scheduled post-audit bedroom rendezvous perhaps. Something to look forward to eh?

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