How to Make Blended Families Work (Without Losing Your Mind)

When I first split up from my kids dad in 2022, one of my concerns was how it would all work if and when I met someone else. Would they ever really love my kids anywhere close to the way I did? Would I be able to be a great step-mum whilst still keeping my own kids happy? I’d heard the horror stories along with the success stories.

Blending families like trying to blend a smoothie with the lid off the blender (something my middle son has done several times in our all-white kitchen): things will fly everywhere, someone will cry, and at least one person will question their life choices.

I’ve watched in awe as some of my friends have mastered the art of the blended family post-divorce. How do they make it look so goddam easy!? I feel quite lucky in the sense that, because the fella I met and fell in love with is 12 years older than me; we’ll never truly have to ‘blend’ our families, as his kids are up and off living their own lives independently. So our compromises have definitely been less than they might’ve been.

But if you’re hooked up with someone a similar age to you, with similar aged kids; chances are you’re going to have to find a way to make your life together work as one big new family unit.

If you’ve recently embarked on the terrifying adventure of merging households, children, pets, belongings and finances; fear not! I’ve researched some top tips to help your blended family run smoother than a smoothie itself.

1. Embrace the awkward early days (There’s no escaping them)

No matter how prepared you think you are, the first few weeks (or months - sorry) will be filled with awkward moments.

Especially if you’re living in the same house. Kids ending up accidentally wearing each others clothes, kids calling you ‘Mum’ when they’ve made it clear to you you will never be their Mum…

I have even heard of the teenage boy of one family having a crush on the teenage girl of the other family… cringe. Hormones are still gonna hormone.

You’re coming at this with two sets of rules, two sets of boundaries… how could it not be a bit awkward to start with?

This is normal. Lean into it.

2. Declare Neutral Zones (For Your Safety and Sanity)

Kids need chilled spaces to decompress after the school day. Adults need calm spaces to rock quietly in the corner asking themselves what the hell they’ve done to their lives. I’m joking (kind of).

Establish areas where anyone can go to escape the madness—no interrogations, no negotiations, no asking where the remote is, or what’s for tea.

It’s important especially in the early days for kids to feel they can have peace and quiet when they’re adjusting to the new set-up.

A good friend of mine even divvied up the toilets in the house which I initially thought was bizarre but having recently walked into the ‘boys’ toilet at my own house, I can see why she did it.

3. Keep Rules Consistent (No favourite kids!)

Nothing stirs up aggro faster than inconsistent rules. If one kid gets to eat Ben & Jerry’s in bed while another gets a glass of water and a firm “lights off” you’re never going to build a fair sibling relationship or a situation where they both feel equally loved and respected.

Again, I know how lucky I am in a way, that my rules with my kids haven’t had to adapt to the norms of another family.

But still, since my partner has had to blend into our family; I do try to agree rules and boundaries for my kids with him so that he knows he’s still an important part of our family and I respect his opinions.

Sit down with your partner and outline some boundaries you feel both sets of kids could and should stick to. It should be clear, fair, and ideally not too complicated. When it comes to household chores - all kids hate them of course; but do your best to divide them up equally.

4. Start New Traditions (The weirder the better)

In researching this article I listened to a fab podcast featuring Professor Lisa Doodson. Amongst lots of other wisdom, Doodson makes it clear that rather than trying to replicate old traditions, blended families thrive on new rituals. Nutella toast Sundays. Saturday sports day. Tuesday night disco in the kitchen. It doesn’t have to be fancy—just something that’s yours together. You’re not trying to replace the traditions of their previous family. In fact it’s mega important that you respect those.

Maybe the kids are still hurting from a divorce or a bereavement - finding new traditions rather than attempting to better the old ones, will help you bond whilst still remembering the things they did in the past.

5. Laugh. A Lot. (Because believe me you’ll also cry.)

There will be messes. There will be misunderstandings. There will be fights. But hell, couldn’t that be said for all families!? Blended or not?

Humour has to be the first go-to tool in your toolkit. Laugh at the chaos. Laugh at yourself. Laugh with the kids rather than at them. Laughter, along with kindness and consideration makes us feel safe and secure. We can get through the hard parts if we know we have the safety net of fun and laughter to fall back on.

Blended families aren’t tidy or predictable, but neither are any of the best things in life. With patience, boundaries, compassion, and a willingness to laugh and not take everything too seriously, your blended family can grow into something wonderfully resilient and deeply connected.

People like me, who haven’t had to go the whole blended hog, will look on with such respect for you all. And sure, a blended family means there are way more gifts to buy at Christmas, way more opinions to take into consideration when you’re trying to book to go out for dinner… but it also means you have way more options of who you can decide to live with when you’re old and grey and don’t fancy the nursing home much… Every cloud my friends; every cloud.