How To Introduce A New Partner To Your Kids After Divorce

One of the toughest challenges of life post-separation, has to be introducing your children to your new partner. We’ve all heard the horror stories, some of us might’ve even lived through them as kids. The pressure to get it right feels immense. Because as we all know; first impressions count don’t they? Honestly; it gave me more sleepless nights than the divorce itself.

And it’s not just the parent who feels it. Can you imagine being the new guy or gal, and meeting the kids for the first time - it must feel like the worlds most nerve-wracking interview.

I’ve recently been through just this process with my new partner, introducing him to my three gorgeous boys who are 7, 11 and 13. And whilst I am by no means here to give tips; dare I say it… it’s gone pretty darn well.

I’m going to try to unpick why that is, because to be honest, it all feels like a bit of a fluke! If you’re currently in the same situation, have a read on. I’ll tell you what worked for us, and maybe it will for you too.

1. We had been together a year before I introduced him to the kids. That sounds like a hell of a long time I know. But having been a kid of divorced parents who had been introduced to partners pretty quickly, I was super wary of not bringing the wrong person into their little lives. The general consensus amongst experts seems to be to wait 6-12 months, so we were at the far end of that scale, but we had had some ups and downs and I really wanted to be certain he was in it for the long haul with me.

2. I was lucky to meet a footy mad man who had already had his own older children. This meant he was no stranger to a tantrum, a teenage sulk or the odd fisticuffs. Football has been their common language since day one and I’m so grateful for this. It allowed my boys to get to know my partner in a way that felt comfortable to them, talking about the shared passion they all had. I really think in those early days it’s important for the newcomer to find out what really makes kids tick, what really enthuses them, and then to meet them on their level. I’m relieved that the interest was already shared; I know if the boys had been hooked on Minecraft or Ballet it might’ve been a little harder to forge that bond.

3. That leads me nicely onto the next one… you’ve got to be genuine when you meet kids. They can sniff a fraudster a mile off. I’ve watched in a fair amount of awe as my partner has sat back, not pushed, not been overfamiliar and not tried to bribe or be their best friend. So, if you’re the new partner and you have no clue about whatever TV show or hobby they’re obsessed with; fess up about that! Tell them you haven’t got a clue but would love to watch it with them or give it a go. Don’t try to bribe them with expensive gifts either. They’ll see right through it and although the way to a teenagers heart might seem to be through his pocket, it’s not a foundation for long-term respect.

4. Be with them on their terms and in their territory. I think this one really helps. I’ve seen all of my boys but particularly the eldest really struggle with having to go into someone else's home with his Dads partner. With my new(ish) man, we’ve built their relationship really around our home. That way the kids have their own space to retreat to if they want a break. I’ll get back to you after we all go camping together this summer… I might not be so smug after three nights in a tent.

5. Prepare for the unexpected. And by saying that, I mean that there might be some reactions from your children you really weren’t expecting. For me, I was bowled over by how much my youngest two just fell for my new partner straight away. They didn’t just accept him . They didn’t just warm to him. It seemed like they had almost been waiting for him, and him for them. My lovely firstborn was a different story. I expected him to be a rude, bolshy teenager. I expected swearing and stropping about. And I could’ve dealt with that. But what I actually got was shyness and anxiousness like I’d never witnessed in him. I proceeded to go about things completely the wrong way. Trying to constantly reassure, trying to encourage him out of his room and down to the table where the rest of us were all eating dinner. Meanwhile my partner instinctively got it just right. He spoke to me about the importance of this happening at my son’s pace, not at ours. To letting him take baby steps and trusting that we’d all get there, together. And although it pains me to say it; he was right. It took about four or five meetings before things were settled. And luckily it’s remained that way. Touching all the wood right now!

6. I honestly think out of everything, the children knowing they are and always will be at the very top of my priority list. It’s tough when you’re in the first throes of falling in love. Biology sends us a bit crazy and we want to be with our partner all the time. I think a great thing about us having a year together before he met the kids, means we can (just about) keep our hands off each other! When we’re with the kids, they are our focus. All the attention and affection is directed at them and I think that’s made them feel very cherished not just by me, but also by him. I’m a big talker with my kids (no shocks there!) and I make sure I tell them I love them and check in with them every day. Ultimately though, you can tell your kids you adore them, reassure them that nothing in your feelings for them will change because of a new relationship… but you need to show them. Actions speak louder than words and making your kids feel secure requires both consistency and commitment.

Blending two families is never going to be easy, especially if your children are still hurting from the divorce/separation. But when it gets tough try to remember it’s just a moment in time. And nothing good comes easy! Every child is different and no one-size-fits-all approach is going to work. Softly softly, gently gently is the key I think. Let your child set the pace. They’ll get there. And so will you.

// Sarah Lawton