How To Bridge The Friendship Wealth Gap

You’ve heard the famous old adage, Money doesn’t make you happy, haven’t you? And like all the best sayings, there’s a healthy amount of truth in there. Research shows that once you reach a certain level of wealth, happiness levels plateau and then actually decline. But it’s important not to forget the anxiety and stress which comes with living in poverty. Sure, money doesn’t make you happy… but neither does being skint.

It gets even more difficult if you are strapped for cash and your social circle is full of people who are much better off. I’m not talking about the odd month when you’re a bit short and counting the days to payday whilst they’ve had a bonus and are feeling flush. I’m talking about a longterm disparity in wealth, security and opportunity. Can friendships survive and ever actually thrive under those circumstances?

In my mid twenties to mid thirties I felt pretty much on a par with my friends financially. I’d built up a decent career as a freelancer after leaving uni and never felt stuck for cash. I had my children in my early thirties and whilst I took a hit on my own income, I felt I had longterm financially security as I was married to a high earner. I knew I’d pick up my earning again when all my children were a little older, a little less dependant on me, and then I’d have a bit more disposable income.

Well… the best laid plans of mice and men and all that jazz… It turns out a divorce, a subsequent court case and 75% custody of three children from a man who isn’t a fan of paying child maintenance, means that disposable income is something I can forget about for at least the next ten years.

But whilst I fell off a financial cliff edge, my friends seemed to continue to get better and better off. I started to notice a difference in what we were able to do together socially, in the clothes we wore, in the cars we drove, the holidays we took.

My friends fall pretty much into two camps. In the first camp are my school and uni mates, the ones I grew up with, who either don’t have kids or had them much later in life. The kid-free ones are frankly rolling in it. The Taylor Swifts I call them. Living their best lives in the Maldives, putting their money into high interest investments so they can retire early to their second homes in Cyprus.

The ones who do have kids like I say had them later, so they had solid careers with fantastic maternity pay and pensions sorted before the pitter patter of tiny feet came along.

In the second camp are my ‘Mum’ friends, the ones who I met later in life, but love like I’ve known them forever. Because I live in quite an affluent area, these mates have a different level of wealth. Going round to their houses can feel slightly like walking onto the set of a very upmarket TV drama… you get the idea. But they are so fun, so loving and so supportive. They’re the family I chose, and there’s no way I would’ve survived the divorce years without them.

So how do we make our friendships work with this disparity of wealth? Does it even matter at all? Well, a recent study by personal finance company Credit Karma reveals that increasing amounts of millennials have accrued debt from trying to keep up with wealthier friends, and that a large percentage are ending friendships due to their financial landscapes being too different. If you’ve ever sat in a restaurant and ordered a soda water and a margherita pizza while everyone around you orders starters, steaks and bottles of Malbec, you’ll be familiar with how some of those millennials feel.

If you’ve then had to split the huge bill and tap your card worrying the £50 you’ve ended up paying for an £8 pizza will bounce to high heaven… you’ll empathise even more.

But what if, like me, you absobloodylutely love your friends, regardless of how much they’ve got in the bank? How can you both nurture and nourish the friendship so that money becomes less and less of an issue?

// Be wary of making assumptions

Whether we like it or not, we all have biases about people who have more money than us. And sometimes those misplaced beliefs we have can cloud our judgement and stop us seeing the situation clearly.

It’s easy to assume that just because someone lives in a big house and drives a fancy car, that they have an easy life. Realistically there are different stressors which may be weighing on them so don’t leave your empathy at the door.

// Re-evaluate what ‘worth’ truly is

When we talk about what someone is worth; it’s far too often in monetary terms. Psychologist Dr Heather Sequeira says that because our social-media obsessed society places so much value on external shows of wealth such as our houses or our holidays, this can lead to people internalising their financial situation as a reflection of their worth as a human being.

The more we as individuals and friendship groups can look at what we bring to the friendship the better. Warmth, humour, kindness, support. All things which are worth a fortune, but can be provided by someone without a penny in the bank.

On the other side of the coin (pardon the pun) the less well-off friend might have lots of ‘worth’while things in their life which their wealthier friends don’t have. Good health, a loving relationship, children. Remember that worth and the true value of your life far exceeds what you see when you check your mobile banking app.

// Acknowledge your privilege

For the friend who is better off, rather than being embarrassed and ignoring it; Dr Seqeuira says it’s so important to acknowledge your privilege. So if you ‘married well’ or were gifted a property by your parents, admit that you’re lucky. Societally we in the UK have been fed the lie by various governments over the years that we are either a ‘grafter’ who has achieved wealth and status through sheer hard work, or a ‘shirker’ who is poor because their work ethic is rubbish.

Anyone sensible knows that there is a huge scale in between those two extremes, and some people work extremely hard and never reap the financial rewards, either because they’re in a vital but low-paid career (Hello and thank you to our nurses, our carers, our teachers), or because they don’t have any family support financially.

// Be open and honest

Jealousy and resentment can easily thrive in a culture of silence so be truthful with each other about finances and mindful of how the other person might feel. If you’re in the position of always feeling like you can’t keep up with what your friend wants to do due to finances, it’s worth broaching the topic before it becomes a bigger issue than it needs to be.

We’re all guilty of being a little blind and/or insensitive at times, and maybe your friend just hasn’t taken into account or isn’t aware of how difficult things are for you.

Be proactive about addressing the issue and raise it with your friend without apportioning any blame. The chances are they’ll feel terrible not to have realised you were under financial strain. Explain that you’re not looking for handouts and that they should never feel like they have to pay your way, just that you might have to find other ways to hang out together which are within your budget.

// Be creative about how you socialise

Once you’ve had the conversation with your friend; start thinking outside the box about how you can see each other and maintain your friendship without you having to go into debt or them having to feel guilty that you might be overspending.

In truth there are so many ways you can do this; and if you really love your friend, making the adjustments will be worth it.

Switch expensive restaurants for beach barbecues in summer and cosy wine and cheese feasts in front of the TV in winter.

Instead of a whole night trawling cocktail bars spending a fortune; do what my friends and I call a ‘Wine Walk’. We meet at a bar, have a drink (if you can get a takeaway cup even better), go for a nice long walk, and finish with another drink at the end. It has the double bonus of consuming less alcohol and calories, whilst getting your step count up too!

Instead of booking expensive spa days, take a hike together instead. Instead of super expensive trips abroad, think country cottages or if you’re brave enough… a camping trip.

Of course there are going to be those big occasions which tend to be a bit more spendy; hen parties, landmark birthdays, weddings. Your thirties can feel like a back-to-back parade of these.

This is where the honesty comes back into play. Look at the costs involved, look at your budget and talk to your friends about what you can and can’t commit to. Hopefully if you’ve followed the steps above, it won’t come as such a big surprise when you say as much as you love them and would love to be there, it might not be possible at this time.

The good news is that studies show that cross-class and cross-wealth friendships can help us be more open-minded, empathetic and also upwardly mobile. If we mix with people of a higher status or wealth we are exposed to greater opportunities and experiences than we would ordinarily have been. It’s good for our communities, our democracy… and if we get it right, it can be great for our wellbeing too.