Co-Parenting After Separation: What Your Children Need Most

As celebrities like Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom publicly model a calm, cooperative approach to co-parenting, and Millie Mackintosh navigates family life after separation from Hugo Taylor, the narrative around modern families is quietly shifting.

But the path to harmonious co-parenting is rarely straightforward.

We asked Psychologist Dr Manuela Paone from Thrive Wellbeing Centre how parents can protect their children while also navigating their own healing.

When parents are no longer a couple, what matters most for a child’s emotional security – and how can co-parents provide that consistency across two households?

Dr Manuela: When parents are no longer a couple, what matters most for a child’s emotional security is the quality of emotional continuity they receive. The end of the romantic relationship does not mean the end of the family: even when husband and wife separate, the parental partnership remains.

It is possible to close a chapter of couple life without compromising the integrity of the family. Parents can remain present, united in their parental role, able to support one another and to offer their children the continuity that strengthens a fundamental belief:

“My parents will always be there for me, no matter what.”

For this to happen, it is essential that the separation is not characterised by destructive conflict, aggression, or hostile dynamics. But how can a parent who is overwhelmed by feelings such as anxiety, anger, grief, or jealousy manage to temporarily set these emotions aside?

To support family cohesion and help couples prevent high-conflict separations, several initiatives have been developed in the UAE. For instance, the emirate of Abu Dhabi has launched dedicated programmes and digital platforms aimed at providing counselling and practical tools for couples at the early signs of relationship difficulties, promoting communication, mutual understanding, and healthy conflict management before issues escalate.

This is where parenthood comes into play in its deepest sense. Prioritising children’s wellbeing and emotional stability becomes a guiding compass that helps parents navigate a difficult – and sometimes traumatic – experience such as separation. Focusing on children’s needs does not mean denying one’s own pain but rather finding meaning and direction that allow the closing of one chapter and the opening of another.

This approach brings an additional benefit: the possibility for former partners to continue to be a source of mutual support. No longer as a romantic couple, but as allies in their parenting role. When parents are able to build a new relationship based on trust, respect, and cooperation, separation becomes less painful for children – and often for adults as well.

In my work with separating families, this is the central goal: helping parents create a new, functional, and positive dynamic that allows children to feel safe, even while living across two households. Because even if a couple no longer exists, they remain part of the same family forever.

What are the most common co-parenting mistakes/challenges psychologists see, and how can parents handle their own disagreements without putting children in the middle?

Dr Manuela:

One of the most common mistakes I see in my work as a psychologist is allowing children to feel that they must take sides with one parent. During periods of parental conflict, children often feel compelled to support the parent they perceive as more vulnerable or distressed. This dynamic almost inevitably leads them to experience guilt toward the other parent.

At times, children may appear more irritable or abrupt with the parent they see as their secure base. This should not discourage us: it is precisely with the parent they feel safest with that children allow themselves to release emotions that, in that moment, feel overwhelming.

It is therefore crucial to avoid using children as “messengers,” seeking reassurance from them, or involving them – directly or indirectly – in adult dynamics. Children can easily come to believe they are responsible for the separation and may feel a strong need to “fix” or repair the relationship. Later in adulthood, this can translate into becoming individuals who feel constantly on edge, overly conflict-avoidant, or like a burden to others.

What can parents do to prevent our children feeling like it's their fault?

First, ensure that unresolved couple issues and the emotions attached to them do not spill over into the parenting role. Maintaining consistent routines and shared rules – agreed upon and enforced by both parents in a harmonious way – can greatly support a child’s sense of stability, while reducing control and competition between former partners.

Finally, parenting disagreements should be addressed when children are not present, and parents should avoid undermining each other through negative comments. Doing so can make children feel unsafe and can erode their sense of identity, as both parents are an integral part of who they are. 

Children need parents who can disagree without making them responsible for it.

How can parents balance their own healing and new boundaries with the ongoing responsibility of raising children together – and what does ‘healthy co-parenting’ actually look like in real life?

After a separation, parents face the complex task of redefining their own identities while continuing to raise their children together. Finding this balance isn’t easy, but a key step is learning to distinguish between personal needs and parenting responsibilities: processing your emotions through therapy, friends, or family, while remaining a consistent and dependable presence for your children.

Setting clear boundaries involves asking yourself: “How will this affect my child? Am I unloading my own issues onto them?” 

Healthy co-parenting requires clarity, mutual respect, and consistency. Practically, this means communicating in a child-centered way and showing tolerance toward the other parent. Small disruptions in routines – like a slightly delayed bedtime – are usually less impactful than children witnessing parental tension.

While avoiding arguments in front of children is ideal, they may still sense underlying stress, so working on ourselves or with a therapist can help resolve conflicts calmly and constructively. Maintaining similar routines across households and respecting each other without negative comments or venting creates a stable environment.

In short, the most important message children receive is simple yet powerful: “You don’t have to choose. You are safe loving both of us.”

//

If you'd like to seek further support, get in touch with Dr. Manuela Paone via Thrive Wellbeing Centre.