Women & Money: Why most women struggle to talk about it and why that has to change now

When Belle Burden's husband walked out of their Martha's Vineyard home in March 2020, after admitting to an affair, she was left reeling. Not just from the betrayal but from the financial reality she hadn't seen coming.

She was a Harvard graduate, a lawyer, a Vanderbilt heiress and a woman with every conceivable advantage and yet, she had handed complete control of their finances to her husband. Not out of naivety but because it felt romantic. Safe. Taken care of. She didn't discover until divorce proceedings that he had quietly amassed at least seven figures of wealth during their marriage (in his ascension to partner). Wealth she had no part of, no visibility into and no claim on, after she’d signed a pre-nuptial agreement stating whatever they earned in the marriage was their own. And yet, she’d dissolved two trust funds to purchase homes in New York and the Vineyard and put them in both their names.

Her memoir, Strangers, is a bestseller for a reason. Millions of women recognise themselves in it. They may not be heiresses but this dynamic is universal.

Money is rarely just about money. For women, it becomes a mirror reflecting safety, worthiness, power, shame, desire and belonging. When I started working on my own money mindset eight years ago, I didn't think I had any issues with it - who doesn't love money, right? But I discovered that so much of how I felt about it was rooted in beliefs I'd held for 25 years, based on things I was told, things I witnessed and the overall emotional weather of money in my childhood home.

Money conversations don't land in the rational brain first. They land in the protective brain, because our nervous systems are wired to keep us safe. But safe isn't always good for us, it’s just what we know.

// Why women go quiet around money

When women say "I'm not good with money," they're rarely describing incompetence. They're describing something much deeper: an inherited belief system, a nervous system response or a culture that taught them that talking about money is crass, demanding, unfeminine.

From a neuroscience lens, money conversations can activate the brain's threat-detection systems. When something feels tied to survival, the body responds as if danger is present, making it harder to negotiate, ask for more or even ask the right questions. If money meant instability or conflict growing up, the body remembers.

Women were also socialised to prioritise likeability over leverage. To be the good woman who doesn't rock the boat, doesn't emasculate her partner, isn't high maintenance. These messages translated into beliefs: It's rude to talk about money. Don't ask for too much. Be grateful. Women carry these into the workplace, into salary negotiations, into households where they hesitate to ask about shared finances simply because their partner earns more or in their minds, knows more.

And then there's money shame. Women don't just feel behind financially, they feel bad. I should have it together by now. If I were smarter, I'd be investing already. Research on shame consistently shows that silence intensifies it. The less we talk, the worse it gets.

// When financial dependence becomes a trap

This silence shows up most painfully with women who have stepped back from careers and chosen to be stay at home mums, a role that if valued economically, would be worth $250,000 a year. The invisible labour is real. But so is the vulnerability it creates.

Financial dependence is fine, until it isn't. Money can function like an emotional leash and the moment a relationship becomes unsatisfying, unkind or outright harmful, financial fear keeps women frozen. The brain weighs losses more heavily than gains and suddenly leaving and moving in to the unknown feels like jumping off a cliff without a parachute and so women stay, even when they’re unhappy.

In a place like Dubai, this is acutely practical. Rent, health insurance, school fees and visas are often tied to one partner. Globally, the picture isn't much better: wage gaps, career pauses for children, years of unpaid caregiving and reduced pension contributions mean women carry a structural economic disadvantage that compounds quietly over time.

And in moments of wider uncertainty, as we’ve felt over the last 6 weeks in the Gulf region, financial dependence stops being a personal issue and becomes an urgent one. The women who weather disruption best are the ones who know where their money is, have some of their own and have stopped waiting for permission to build it.

// The belief system underneath it all

Beliefs like I can't trust myself with money or investing is too complicated aren't personality traits, they're predictions the brain makes based on old evidence and over time they become self-fulfilling.

The good news is that beliefs can be changed. When we make the unconscious conscious - when we name the belief, trace it back, test it against new evidence and start speaking about money plainly and without apology - something shifts. Shame loses its grip and agency returns.

Belle Burden had every external advantage and still found herself financially side-lined in her own marriage. Her book is a cautionary tale for women who have outsourced their financial agency to someone else, even when it’s someone they love.

The antidote is literacy and curiosity. It's deciding that knowing where your money is and growing it yourself is an act of love your future self will thank you for.

Natasha Mahtani, Relationship & Divorce Coach | Financial Wellbeing Expert

www.natashamahtani.com