What Has Divorce Done To My Kids?

A wise man (in fact it was probably a wise woman) once said; Don’t waste your time on regrets; learn the lesson and move forwards.

But what if the thing you regret could affect your children’s lives forever? It’s suddenly not so easy to just chalk it up to experience and get on with your day is it?

When I called time on my marriage I had no idea the toll the next few years would take on me, and as a by-product; my kids. What I’d hoped would be an amicable, reasonable separation quickly turned into a car crash, filled with shock, anger and hurt. My brain still can’t compute some of the things which happened and some of the things my kids ended up hearing.

On the surface I have three happy boys. They have great friends, in the main they can express their big feelings openly, and they’re thriving both in school and in sport. The problem is though; I look now at their behaviour, their teenage mood swings, their schoolwork, their friendship choices, through the magnifying glass of guilt. I psychoanalyse their every move trying to find evidence which supports my belief, which is that the divorce has damaged them irreparably and it’s all my fault.

The fact is; I cannot change how the last few years played out. And in truth if I had my time again I think it would’ve been difficult to react any differently than I did given the stress I was under.

So, in the spirit of not wasting my time on things I can’t change, I decided when writing this, my first ever Raemini article, to do two things. I’d research how acrimonious splits can affect children (in the vain hope that maybe it doesn’t) and I’d look at the things I can do now, to salvage the situation and improve things going forwards.

The very first study I came across provided much more relief than I was anticipating! The title of Post-Divorce Parenting Typologies and Children’s Adjustment might be a mouthful; but the information contained within it was surprisingly easy to digest.

The authors analysed data from 270 divorced/separated parents to classify their parenting relationship with their ex and the resulting adjustment of the children. Classifications ranged from ‘Gwyneth and Chris eat your heart out’ to ‘We make Brad and Ange look like BFF’s’.

Ok that’s not true but I think the study would’ve made for lighter reading if they’d used those… jus’ sayin’.

The cluster analysis resulted in three types of coparenting relationships: cooperative and involved (the dream!) moderately engaged (I’d take this) and infrequent but conflictual (I mean… that’s putting it mildly mate). Despite the expectation that children fare better if their divorced parents' develop a cooperative coparenting relationship, the authors found that parents' reports of their children's behaviors, both internal thoughts and external demonstrations of those behaviours, and their social skills did not significantly differ by type of post-divorce co-parental relationships. Results, therefore, suggested that the direct influence of post-divorce coparenting on children may not be as robust or terrifying as I’d imagined.

In some of the parents interviewed for the study, it was even noted that the split may come as a relief for some children, if they’ve been living in a home with conflict and stress. The toxic environment they’ve been trapped in may actually ease post divorce. Even if the parents still don’t get on afterwards, it comes as no surprise to kids, especially teenage ones. I took some comfort from this, as I know my kids were very aware things were not right between me and their dad. I avoided him, avoided any kind of physical affection, we were snappy, the relationship wasn’t one which modelled a ‘happy’ marriage… whatever that is.

Conversely kids whose parents got along well seemingly before the split, then co-parented amicably afterwards, reported feelings of confusion. Why couldn’t their Mum and Dad make it work if they still liked each other!?

A nasty split is I guess at least, clear cut, no blurred lines or hope for a reconciliation from the kids stuck in the middle.

Most of the literature available points to two factors being the biggest negatives in terms of children’s adjustment after a separation, and both resonated with me like a big clanging gong.

The first is a lack of resources. After a split, it’s hard to make the total family income cover the expenses of two households rather than one. The consequence is that many or most lone parents end up dependent on government benefits, whilst still working full time. Less income, less support, and less free time have negative repercussions for children.

Reading this made me shudder; because I know it’s true. Working a 50 hour week as a lone parent leaves little time for homework, and even less time for fun. My life now is incomparable to what it was working approximately 20 hours per week, with all the time in the world for helping out or just hanging out with my kids. They’ve had to readjust to more time in childcare; and for the teens, more time spent alone.

The second factor affecting children negatively is reduced involvement with one parent, which more often than not, is the father. Worryingly, this can have the most negative outcomes on teenage boys (of which I have two… soon to be three).

In addition to this, all the studies I read made reference to the fact that the lone parent, often working full time, both financially and time poor, feels they have to go one way or another with their parenting style. Having tried for three years to find the balance between good cop and bad cop doing it all on my own for 75% of the time… I can tell you the discipline side of things can be exhausting. Many parents report being either very authoritarian or so laidback they have no boundaries or control left. No judgement from me here; I know how fine a line the discipline tightrope is to tread, especially if you have that guilty voice in your ear telling you it’s not the kids fault they’re acting out… it’s you! You split up the family after all!

So what next?

Now that I’m armed with and strengthened by the knowledge that children can flourish as well in between co-parents who don’t get on, just as well as they can with co-parents who are BFF’s, I feel more positive. I went on to look at some pro-active tips I could take forward to make things easier for the kids (and me hopefully!) in future.

Here are the top five tips I came across. They’re from child psychologists, professors, doctors… and the real experts; parents. Some are frighteningly obvious but all can be tricky in practice.

●      Put your children first

You’d think it would be the easiest thing in the world wouldn’t you? Your babies (no matter their age) are the reason you do everything you do, the reason you keep going when you’d quite fancy running away to a silent Tibetan retreat thank you very much. But in the midst of the hurt, anger, stress and fear some divorces involve, it can be quite easy to act on instinct; to forget to pause and ask what would really be most beneficial for my child in this instance.

●      Find a communication method with your ex partner which you’re comfortable with

I wish I’d implemented this one much earlier in my divorce. In the beginning I felt continually bombarded and overwhelmed. Texts, WhatsApps, Emails, phone calls, from not just my ex husband but our solicitors too. The urgency with which I was required to respond was not in line with the state of my poor frazzled brain at the time.

It took a long time but I now have very firm boundaries that communication is through Whatsapp only. I can keep messages archived and respond when I feel ready.

If things are really difficult, see if you can get a neutral party who is a trusted person for both of you to relay things temporarily, then there are also some great apps like Talking Parents which can be used for communication which don’t allow any abusive language etc

●      Acknowledge your children’s hurt

This one is so important and again seems so obvious but in reality it can be difficult. When our child falls over and hurts their knee, we want to clean it up, put a plaster on it and stop them crying as quickly as possible. It’s exactly the same instinct when our child is emotionally upset. We want to make it all better, cheer them up and see them smiling again. But all the research on childhood mental health points to the fact we need to allow our children to express their emotions and acknowledge our part in the hurt they may be feeling. Saying, I hear you, I’m so sorry and sad you feel this pain, will go a long way in validating their emotions and helping them to process them.

●      Answer their questions

As best you can, in an age appropriate way, be honest with your children. I was terrified in the early days that admitting to my children that it was me who called time on the marriage would end up with them hating me; they actually respected the fact I was honest with them. Euphemisms like ‘growing apart’ and ‘wanting different things’ might be confusing for some children, so with kindness, try to be direct. If you know you’re never getting back together with your ex, don’t say anything which could give them false hope.

●      Be positive about your ex

Ohhh this is a tough one but what I will say is; practice makes perfect! It’s so tempting (and entirely understandable if your ex is treating you unfairly in any way) to take every opportunity to ‘out’ them.

In the early days I fell into the trap of not quite slagging their Dad off, but not exactly covering him in glory either. With a bit of distance from the separation I can see now I should’ve approached that differently. Any of you who’ve had a difficult relationship with a sibling or a parent will know the unwritten rule… You can call them all the names under the sun, but nobody else better dare, right?

So when your child tells you something about your ex which makes your blood boil, practise the art of smiling sweetly and saying “Oh really darling? That sounds exciting!” Ask them if they had a lovely time at Dads house and share positively in the life they have when they are there.

Our children see themselves in our reflection, so it’s important to make them feel they’re surrounded by good. And as many a long-time-divorcee has told me; your kids will see people for what and who they really are one day, in their own time. It’s not for us to give them a negative opinion on a person who will be so pivotal in their lives.