Trust Your Future Self

Good advice once felt like gold dust. A trusted friend would say something to you that put things into perspective. A quote from a novel could inspire a whole new direction. Now, we’re so overloaded with people telling us what to do, we’re desperate to escape it.

How often have you mindlessly scrolled, half watching a podcast clip sharing the best way to do this, followed by a quote with trending music encouraging you to do that?

During my student days, I had a poster of Oscar Wilde quotes - printed in a plethora of fancy fonts - blu-tacked to the wall above my single bed in Halls. My body fuelled with blue WKD, doner meat and chips, I’d lie on my back and read, “We are all in the gutter… but some of us are looking at the stars.” Gosh, how I believed I was one of the “us”. I had to be! Now, more than 20 years later, I’m so confused by conflicting advice about everything from weight-loss to waterslides, I feel a bit like I’m in the gutter. Looking down. A slave to the algorithm. I’ve forgotten to look at the stars.

But a magical thing happened. 1,998,456 scrolls later, I stumbled upon a piece of advice that has… stuck.

Clinical psychologist Dr Emily Anhalt, author of Flex Your Feelings, was recently interviewed on career podcast, Demoted. The host asked her what is the single best piece of advice she had ever received and her answer, about anxiety and uncertainty, landed strong.

‘Trust your future self to handle your future problems,’ Dr Emily said.

She explained how in 2011 her mother was in the hospital for a month and the outcome didn’t look good. Every night, doctors told Emily that her mother wasn’t going to make it, and every morning she was barely hanging on. ‘I was just riddled with anxiety and anticipatory grief.’ But a family friend, Bill, stepped in, arriving at the hospital to keep her company. Bill was an oncologist and vastly experienced in dealing with death and loss.

‘I don’t know what I’m going to do if my mom dies,’ Emily confided in him. She was still so young, she depended on her. The unknown felt terrifying; while the logistics sent her head spinning, she had no idea how she would cope with all her emotions.

Kindly, Bill said, ‘Emily, the version of you that will handle that terrible thing - if and when it happens - will be born into existence in that moment. And, that version of you will have more life experience, more context and more ability to handle that thing than you do now.’ He went on to reassure her, ‘It makes sense that you don’t know what would you do if your mom dies because the version of you that will figure it out doesn’t exist yet. You have to trust your future self to handle future problems.’

There it was.

Our future problems are not our problems now. They don’t belong to us, as we are. They exist only for a version of ourselves that we haven’t become yet… and therefore, they don’t actually exist. Dr Emily has thought about this idea so many times in her life, for the big things and even the little things.

‘What am I going to do if I miss the bus?’ She asks herself. ‘Well, you know what? Future me is a badass, she will figure it out. I’m just gonna worry about moving quickly right now…’

So, how about that for a game changer?

The end of Emily’s story is a happy one. Her mom made a full recovery. Thanks to Bill’s advice, she didn’t spend so much time suffering future pain that never even came to be. Her future self had her back. She figured it out.

It’s a fantastic - and somewhat simple - notion. However, it could be easier to preach than practice straight away. Our imaginations can be mighty. On one hand, we should be grateful for this, for what would our world be without creativity? But they can create a monster, confusing fact with fiction. Plus, worry is naturally within us. Humans are born with a negative bias and our minds naturally sway this way to protect us from being blindsided by disappointment or worse. The news is bad, so what do we do? We devour it. There’s a traffic incident, so how do we react? We drive past slowly to nose at the impact. Our boss is heading towards our desk, so what do we think? Oops, we’re in trouble. We can thank the good old prehistoric days for this. Back then, the only way to increase the likelihood of survival was by sniffing out every potential threat in sight. Individuals on red alert for danger managed to stay alive longer and we’ve inherited this defence mechanism.

But how can we fight this negativity and learn to trust the strength of our future selves?

Well, we can start with small steps. Do something nice for yourself, right now. This might be making a cup of tea. Tidying up. Going to see your best friend. Fill your present time with moments that allow you to be kind to yourself, feeding your soul and settling your mind. Future You is going to have to handle a lot - that’s life - so why not make it easier for her? Getting into the swing of good habits will prepare you better for the bad days, because it’s inevitable, they will come. But, maybe they won’t be so bad after all. And when the issue arises, whatever that might be, you can worry about it then, not before. As Mark Twain said, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.” It’s worshipping the problem… or burying someone before they’re dead!

If we can adopt this way of thinking, we are enabling ourselves to live a more carefree existence. I only have to look back on my own life and feel twinges of regret. All those wasted worries, the dark clouds that overshadowed potential beaming sunshine. What if I don’t get that job, or pass that exam? What if he doesn’t text back? What if my baby never learns to chew properly? Maybe you’re thinking along these lines right now…

…But here’s the thing. You will figure it out.

You always do.