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Things To Know Before You Get Divorced


Things To Know Before You Get Divorced

I’m a member of a Facebook community called The Motherload. It’s a safe space to sound off about all the trials and tribulations of modern motherhood.


There are posts on all sorts of things; holidaying with kids, choosing schools, getting back into employment, childcare dilemmas. There always seem to be a wide range of discussions on a variety of topics.

 

That is; until Christmas 2024 was out of the way. From the evening of the 25th December onwards; almost every single one of the hundreds of posts in that group were around one subject: Shall I leave my husband?

 

The deluge was so huge that the admins of the page suspended all posts on that topic. Everything, surely had been covered.

 

The timing comes as no huge surprise to me. My fella is an estate agent and he tells me there’s always a desperate shortage of flats on the market in February, after everyone has split up in January. And it’s a too-true joke amongst my single friends that the dating apps are packed full of fresh meat come the start of every new year.

 

So is it just January blues? The fact that lots of people hang on in the family home until after Christmas for the sake of the kids? I suspect it’s a year-long problem which is just put firmly under the magnifying glass amidst the stress of the festive season. The dawning of a whole new year, for lots of people presents an opportunity for a clean slate; and for the many people who have been clinging on in miserable marriages, that may well mean putting some major changes in place.

 

I didn’t make my decision to separate in January; mine came in early summer; after 6 months of sleepless nights tossing and turning trying to deny the overwhelming feeling in my gut that this could not be all there was to life.

 

I have a few friends and aquaintances who for a long time have felt similarly to how I did back then. They tell me how brave I am, how they could just never do it. That it’s too big, too overwhelming to face.

 

I never point them either in the direction of staying, or of leaving. It’s such a hugely personal decision and who knows what the outcome will be for each individual. I’m certainly no expert on divorce. Mine has been acrimonious, messy and undoubtedly damaging for my children in some ways. Being almost two years out the other end now though, I think I can in good faith say there are some things I wish I’d known before I pulled the rip cord.

 

Without further ado, here are the five things you should know before you decide to divorce…

 

  • Do your due diligence on your finances

 

Please please please, if like me you had left all the finances to your other half; educate yourself fully on your family/joint finances before you have the conversation with your spouse/partner about separating.


If you’re anything like I was; I know what you’re thinking right now… it feels hugely disloyal and sneaky to go rooting about on a fact-finding mission into pensions, bank accounts, savings, investments etc. All while your unsuspecting partner has no clue you’re seriously considering splitting up. The guilt I felt about delving into our finances, which had been kept completely out of my view for twenty years, meant I just never did it, which of course put me at a huge disadvantage when it came to dividing our assets.


I was absolutely clueless about what we jointly had, where it was kept and who would control access to it all. It was incredibly naive of me but I know now it’s not an unusual situation. More often than not the higher earner will have full view of the finances, whilst the partner who earns less and probably does the lion’s share of child-raising, is frighteningly in the dark. Don’t let guilt or fear stop you from finding out about things that are rightfully yours.

 


  • You never really know a person until you divorce them; don’t second guess how they are about to behave

 

OK so obviously point two relates pretty strongly to point one!


The fact of the matter is, when we have been with someone for a long time, often our entire adult lives, we really believe we know them inside out. And perhaps we really do know them as the person they were pre the split.


But believe me the fallout of you deciding to end your relationship can throw up all kinds of new behaviour which is a world away from how we expected they’d react. Whether it’s deep hurt or heartbreak, fury at the loss of control they feel, or the shattering of their ego, the way they behave towards you (and potentially your children) may feel completely shocking and traumatic.


I’ve heard it from the mouths of my friends on numerous occasions; “He/she would never punish me or the kids financially”, “She would never rub a new relationship in my face, she’s not like that”, “He’ll always put the kids first, I know that for sure.”


It’s then devastating when that hurt, fury or ego sees your ex doing all the things you thought were somehow below them. Pre divorce or separation, I wish someone had told me to be realistic about what to expect. It wouldn’t have taken away all the fear and pain that was caused, but it would have allowed me to prepare myself mentally and practically for what was to come.

 

 

  • You’re not going to be able to keep everybody

 

It’s one of the toughest parts of divorce that I hadn’t really considered in those many months I spent trying to gather my courage and speak up. But it’s definitely something which everyone should consider.

As great as the relationship between you and your ex's family and friends might have been; you simply cannot maintain that same relationship long-term after the split. The quicker you accept this and stop railing against how unfair it feels, the easier the process of moving forwards will be. Your ex will need their own support circle and it’s time for you to start concentrating on your own.


Now I’m by no means advising someone to stay in an unhappy marriage for their family support; but if you don’t have a strong support system yourself, that’s something which is going to make the early days of the separation so much harder.


If you’re seriously thinking about separating, you must start reconnecting with friends and family if you have neglected those relationships whilst in the maelstrom of marriage and family life.

 


  • You will find a way to manage financially

 

If like me, you were the low earner in the partnership, the one with least financial autonomy, it can feel absolutely terrifying to imagine being solely responsible for your finances, your future and your children if you have them. Even if you are financially secure in your own right; extricating yourself from jointly owned properties and businesses or investments can feel like a terrifying prospect.


It’s this overwhelming fear which paralyses many people into staying in relationships which are long past saving.


The one thing I want you to know if you’re currently on this precipice is that ultimately, you will find a way to manage. For me that involved some huge lifestyle changes. I got a full-time job for the first time since having my children, I moved to a much smaller, more modest home, I changed my car, and for the first year budgeted strictly on everything from food to holidays to utility bills.


It was hard. Exhausting. But you know what? Less hard and exhausting than I’d anticipated. I didn’t sink.


I asked for help when I needed it. And gained a whole new deeper respect for myself when I realised I could stand on my own two feet and provide for my kids. You will too.

 

 

  • Falling in love the second time around is beautiful, but comes with baggage a-plenty

 

People end their marriages for all sorts of reasons. They can be big, painful dramatic reasons like infidelity, addiction or abuse. More often than not it’s because the couple have grown apart; sometimes into a relationship more resembling that you’d have with a friend or a sibling. They leave because there is no intimacy, passion or even consideration.


If that’s been the case; after you get through the divorce, you might feel a longing to fall in love again; after all, there’s simply no feeling in the world like it is there?


And there’s something even more beautiful about doing it the second time around. You know what you want, you’re older and wiser, you’ve learned (hopefully) from your past mistakes. And experiencing (ahem) intimacy after a long time without it is nothing short of mind-blowing!


But I need to warn you that things are likely to be a lot different if the last time you fell in love, you were in your teens, twenties or even thirties; childfree and falling in love with a child-free person.


You won’t have all the time in the world to give to this new person you’re so besotted with… and despite them feeling the same about you, they won’t be able to give you all their time and attention either. The likelihood if you’re falling in love after a divorce is that you’re falling for a person who has kids to care for, a mortgage to pay, a business to run or a full-on career to keep on track, possibly even elderly parents to factor in.


Falling in love, and staying in love second time around requires patience and the ability to accept you may not be someone’s entire world like you might’ve been if you’d met in your carefree youth.

 

 

Divorce is a huge life-changing decision. It would be perfect if we all had a crystal ball. If we knew when we stepped off that precipice we’d have a soft landing. That we’d pick ourselves back up stronger and happier.


The truth is life takes courage if we are to live it fully, it’s full of risks, and being true to yourself sometimes means taking the hugest risk of all.

 

In the words of the poet Erin Hanson;


There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky.

And you ask ‘What if I fall?’

Oh, but my darling, ‘What if you fly?’



// Sarah Lawton

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