Paloma Faith recently sparked controversy (and of course a shedload of online vitriol from male trolls) when she gave an interview on UK television in which she said she did not like the term ‘co-parent’.
Faith explained that the term ‘implies that it’s 50/50’ when it very rarely is.
Well Paloma; I couldn’t agree more.
The definition of ‘co-parent’ is hard to pin down, it seems to be open to a wide variety of interpretations. There is no legal definition of a co-parent, which is interesting in itself, since so many children are subject to court orders which determine who will parent them and when, after a separation or divorce has occurred. The best definition I’ve found; although still not something I recognise from my own experience, is that a co-parent is someone who shares the responsibility for raising a child, sharing both the burdens and the benefits.
Honestly? That definition sounds lovely doesn’t it? All sharing and caring and equality. Not a sniff of misogyny in sight.
It also bears no resemblance to my own post-split parenting, or that of my many divorced/separated female friends.
I have my kids 75% of the time, which by the way was exactly what I requested from day one. I was so relieved that we didn’t go to a 50/50 split in terms of time, as I knew that would not be what was best for my kids, although I see it working really well for others. I very much felt that they needed one stable base, near all their friends and school, as their Dad moved out of the area. I was happy to make sure I took a job which was flexible, in order to be there every morning before school and most evenings too, just as I always had been when we lived with their Dad.
Some of my friends have a very similar arrangement with their exes and some do the 50/50 time split. But here’s the fun part; whether they do 50%, 60% 75% of the parenting time; the mothers appear to do 100% of the life admin.
The doctors and dentist appointments, the myriads of school google-forms, permission slips and emails, the organising of school dinners and trips and extra-curricular clubs. The play-dates, the birthday parties and the presents. The repeat prescriptions and haircuts and uniform shopping.
The list is endless and exhausting and will never be ticked off completely. Faith elaborated that while there are definitely some men pulling the main bulk of the workload, it is still unusual, seen as an anomaly. She talks about ‘the silent mental load’ which women are carrying every day, and the fact that when a man primarily carries this load he is ‘applauded’, even hero-worshipped, whereas it is simply expected of women. There are no awards ceremonies or Blue Peter badges up for grabs for us.
Reading the outrage online where Faith was called a man-hater and a militant feminist, I decided I had to look up the interview and watch it for myself.
At no point does she say her ex husband isn’t a wonderful father, or that he isn’t adequately caring for their children. She just says that while they go and stay at his house a few nights each week and have a lovely time; she is the one who is ultimately responsible for the smooth running of their little lives.
This to me is absolutely the way it works for most separated parents. My kids go to my ex every other weekend and have a nice change of scene. He takes them on foreign holidays a couple of times each year and turns up to watch football matches if he’s available. It’s absolutely fine, and I’m so glad for my sons that their Dad is a consistent and reliable part of their lives. Their relationship with him continues to be so important to them.
But let’s not tell ourselves this is ‘co-parenting’. With a gun to his head my ex wouldn’t be able to name the boys childcare schedule, which days they have cookery or PE and need their kit, or when they last had a dental check-up. His contribution to their life admin, the day-to-day grind, is close to zero.
I love that Paloma Faith has stuck her head above the parapet and said this; but I think we could go one step further.
Being only two years post-separation, I can remember pretty clearly what the dynamic was like when I was a married parent, and let me tell you it was no different whatsoever.
I see and hear this from my married friends all the time. The women are doing too much, carrying way too much of the mental load, despite the fact that most of them, like their husbands, work full-time.
People ask me all the time “How on earth do you do it!? Three boys on your own?”
In truth I think in terms of the overall responsibility, I was always on my own. Sure, I had someone to delegate tasks to back then, but ultimately the buck stopped with me.
Nowadays at least I get a few nights off each fortnight to reset, relax and have some time for myself.
Whether any of us, men or women, separated or together, want to admit it; someone is in charge of the kids. One parent is the primary carer. The primary parent. I’d like to suggest we adopt the language used in schools. I’ll be the head-parent and my ex can be deputy, or assistant. I’m not fussy which we go with. But it’s time we stopped pretending that the burden and benefits are equally shared, when in reality most separated mothers you ask would tell you that their ‘co-parent’ shoulders little of the burden whilst picking up many of the benefits.
// Sarah Lawton
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