I’ve always prided myself on having strong friendships. If there was an appropriate section on my CV for it, it would be there loud and proud: I am a great friend.
I have retained my friends from school and college, I made amazing new friends at University and in my first jobs, and then becoming a Mum introduced me to a whole raft of new friends in my late twenties and early thirties who I feel like I’ve known forever.
People have occasionally said to me; “You’ve got so many friends I don’t know how you keep up!”
But keep up I did. I prioritised my friendships, I valued the ones with history and relished the ones with new and as-yet-undiscovered adventures. Having never had a sister I think I sought in my friendships that closeness, that bond and that loyalty. My friendships had weathered all sorts of traumas, some mine, some theirs, but always feeling like ours. Bereavements, infidelities, redundancies, infertility, relationship break-ups, financial problems… the whole gamut of adolescent and adult problems. I felt that my friendships were unshakeable.
Then along came divorce.
The thing that nobody tells you about divorce or sparation, at least the type that happens after a very long relationship where your lives are completely enmeshed; is that friends will become the collateral damage.
Whether you like it or not, whether you believe me or not, whether your split is amicable or not… some of your friendships will change because of your divorce.
It’s not all bad news. Some friendships will strengthen; in fact you’ll be astounded by their love for you, by the support they’ll give you without ever expecting anything in return. They will be there at all hours of the day and night, offering practical help and emotional guidance.You’ll realise you don’t have to hide your crazy from them in any way, and it will elevate your bond to something that feels rock solid. My brother's girlfriend (now wife) became one of those people for me, and that was a surprise, given that she was so much younger than I was and had no experience of my situation. But her ability, along with a good few others, to carry me through that first horrendous year is something I’ll be grateful for forever.
Some friendships will seem strong in the early days but they won’t be able to sustain the level of care and help you’ll need in the long-term. For me, I had two full very rocky years after my marriage ended, and a couple of friends I think, for want of a better explanation, just wanted me to pull myself together and get on with it. Since I had decided to end the marriage they couldn’t understand why I was so sad. And although it hurt at the time, I totally understand that now; everyone has different capacities for empathy. Those people are still my friends, we have fun, we laugh, we socialise. But they are no longer the ones I turn to when the chips are down.
Some friendships will fall by the wayside all together, and these fall into two camps.
Firstly there’s the friends who simply let you down; who maybe don’t seem interested or supportive when your world is falling apart. A disclaimer: It’s so so important not to get paranoid here. People’s lives are busy, they have their own problems to tackle, and as I’ve written earlier, everyone has a different capacity for empathy. But if time after time you are left feeling not listened to, not supported, not loved; let them go. As painful as it might be at the time. You have bigger things to deal with and other people you can turn to.
Secondly, and much more sadly, there are the friends who just cannot remain friends with you because of old loyalties or family ties to your ex. For me this was my sister-in-law. I had known and loved her since she was 17. I adored her and our kids had grown up together.
In fact; scratch the past tense. I still love and adore her. But I’m at peace with the fact that we can’t be friends anymore. For the first year we really tried to keep up contact and to see each other regularly. But the pressure she was under from my ex husband was not fun and I didn’t want her to be dragged into stress and arguments within her own family.
I had to take a deep breath and let her go. To make the decision to love her from afar. And I know she knows if the day ever came where she needed me I’d be there in a heartbeat. Every now and again I’ll get messages from her telliing me how much she misses me and wishes I was there. It breaks my heart that our friendship was collateral damage.
Perhaps the trickiest part of friendships to contend with after a divorce are the couple friendships. Who gets to keep who? Do the boys stick with the boys and the girls stick with the girls? And how does it work when you get a new partner? Can we all hang out together or is that crushingly disloyal?
I really felt for our couple friends in the very early days, trying to offer support whilst also staying neutral. It caused no end of arguments in their own marriages I’m sure. I was lucky that the way things eventually panned out, I didn’t lose any of those couple friends, and again they’ve been a huge source of support for me and my kids too. I still feel a sense of guilt to them that they had to go through that, and ultimately make a choice. I do think that when splits are amicable, lots of couples manage to retain and nourish their relationship with both parties and if you can do that, then of course that’s best for everyone. Kids included.
Three final things to note about friendships post divorce, which if you’re just about to go through this, will be worth knowing!
First up… some people will think that divorce is contagious.
Seriously, although this seems to happen more with aquaintances or friends on the periphery; some people will avoid you like the plague the moment they hear you’re getting divorced. What if they catch it? What if their wife sees you having a great time now you’re single? He doesn’t want her getting ideas does he. What if the husband fancies you now you’re single? The wife may well want to keep you well away.
Honestly it’s crazy, but it’s a thing. My advice would be to smile and wave at them from across the street (because they will cross the street to avoid you) and move on without a second thought.
Secondly; although watching some friendships become strained or disappear altogether can be hurtful and hard… I promise you this is a fantastic opportunity. Forge new connections with people who know you just as you, not as part of a couple. Spend your time and energy on people who make you feel safe and supported. Who cares if that means your circle is slightly smaller? Better to have a handful of fabulous friends than a roomful of flakey ones.
Lastly; (and prepare yourself because this is cheesy OK?) your very best friend needs to be yourself. Pour all the love and care into your own cup for a little while. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your best friend if she was going through this. Show yourself compassion. Be gentle with your heart and your mind. And in the words of Taylor; prepare to come back stronger than a 90’s trend.
// Sarah Lawton
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