Honest Parenting // Are You Jealous Of Your Nanny?

If there’s one thing I’ve realised working with families around the world, it’s that everyone’s needs are unique and there isn’t a single template for how to raise children. For many, hiring a professional nanny is the perfect way to bring balance into the home while ensuring their children are well cared for when parents are busy with work or other time demands.

As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, and little ones can benefit greatly from having multiple adult caregivers. However, finding the right childcare can be a complex process for various reasons, not least because it means having a new extended member of the family who you also employ.

Despite a skilled nanny being an asset in your child’s upbringing, human nature can lead to feelings of jealousy – especially if you see a strong bond forming between your child and their caregiver.

If this resonates with you, know this: you’re not a bad person for experiencing jealousy. It is very common – and even natural – to feel pangs of envy, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, try to address these feelings and explore their origins. After all, knowing that your baby is left with someone who makes your child feel safe and loved should be a source of joy and relief.

Some of these emotions stem from the infamous “mum guilt,” particularly for working mothers. When you see your child develop a strong bond with their nanny, you might feel as if your own relationship with them is being threatened. Questions like “Why do my children sometimes prefer our nanny?” “Am I good enough?” “Am I failing?” and “What does she have that I don’t?” are significant concerns that many mothers grapple with daily.

The good news is there are ways to eliminate (or at least hugely reduce) these feelings before you do something rash like arguing with – or even firing – a perfectly competent and well-intentioned childcare professional.

Start on the right footing with clear expectations

I advise mothers to set clear boundaries with their nanny from the very beginning, checking in and updating them when they feel they need to. Never hesitate to do this, otherwise resentment can build up. For example, some parents prefer their nannies not to kiss and hug their children, which is absolutely fine, but find a nanny who shares the same ethos as you to avoid trouble later.

A written contract covering behaviour and expectations is another useful way of ensuring everyone is on the same page. This is something renowned psychiatrist and author Alexandra Sacks advises: “A written contract that is respectful to both parties should be followed. The more mutual trust and respect you and your nanny share, the better you will be able to work together to help your child,” she says.

Assess any emotional baggage you might have

This is a tough one, but it needs addressing. Common forces that complicate parent/nanny dynamics include guilt about leaving your children to pursue your career, and unresolved trauma from your own childhood experiences. If you don’t deal with it, this type of “baggage” may bubble up and lead to increased friction and more disruptive transitions if the nanny has to leave.

Take a team approach

Remember, taking a team approach is the winning approach. You’ve hired a nanny for a reason. Try and think of them as a partner in parenting rather than a competitor. You’re in a team – two heads being better than one and all that! A win for one is a win for both; a challenge for one is a challenge for both. A collaborative approach to childcare, where you and your nanny work together for the child's best interests, can be a beautiful thing.

Set aside time that is just for you and your child

I urge clients to carve out what I like to call ‘mummy time’ – a specific time in their calendar that they spend with their child doing something of their choice (that means phones down, you’re solely focused on them). Think of it like a date. If you have more than one child, you can even break it down to one sibling at a time. I’ve seen first-hand how powerful this method can be at strengthening the mummy/child bond.

Remember your nanny has feelings too

They might be highly experienced professionals, but the best nannies are also big-hearted human beings so be careful not to undermine them to score points with your child – even unintentionally. Try to approach any issues that arrive calmly with a ‘problem-solving’ mentality. Remember, children pick-up on mood changes and a strained atmosphere very easily, and the last thing you would want is to distress them.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

Great communication is the secret to a successful nanny and mother relationship, particularly when cultural differences are present. I see time and again that open dialogue brings understanding and trust, allowing both parties to express their expectations, concerns, and parenting philosophies. This clarity helps bridge cultural gaps, ensuring that the nanny respects the family's values while providing care. Regular check-ins can address any misunderstandings before they escalate, promoting a harmonious environment for the child and enhancing their development.

Check-in with yourself and your emotions

Finally, checking in with yourself is vital for a healthy nanny and parent/employer relationship. This self-awareness allows for open communication with your nanny, creating a happy and supportive environment. Acknowledging your emotions prevents misunderstandings and promotes empathy, enabling both parties to understand each other's perspectives better. This practice also encourages personal growth, helping to make you a more confident parent overall.

// Lynsay Kilbane, British Governess & Founder of The Mama Consultancy