
Every time I make a plan with a friend, I expect it to be cancelled. I don’t have bad friends. We just live in a flaky society.
We’re all guilty of it, aren’t we? Sending a last minute text. Using the word, “sorry” like it’s going out of fashion. Shortening it to “soz” to lighten the failed meet-up. Fast with our fingers, we have grown accustomed to letting people down and in return, being let down. It’s become the norm. You get asked to commit to something - anything - and you say, YES, but really you mean, MAYBE… (and probably, not).
Thanks-but-no-thanks to smartphones, there is now ample space to be inconsistent. You can contact people right up to the last minute, confident that they will receive the message before raising any concern wondering where you are. There is always an excuse. That excuse might even be, “I don’t have an excuse, I just don’t want to,” since we have embraced the surge of the self-care movement.
So what is causing this ripple effect of flakiness?
- Burnout - Stress, overwhelm and juggling a work/life balance can lead to impulsive cancellations
- Over-scheduling - Too much in the diary, leaving no room for downtime
- Anxiety - A genuine fear of commitment, not knowing how you’ll feel on a certain day
- Digital Culture - It’s just too easy to communicate, and therefore, be flaky
But if everybody is falling into flakiness, what is going to happen to society as a whole? It will become increasingly difficult to build strong social networks and the result could be social isolation. On one hand, an individual is craving me-time, but the flip side of the coin is that loneliness is becoming a more widespread problem. When you crave company and you’re being rejected time and time again, it’s going to hurt. Personally, I do crave company and you’ll find me at a social gathering unless I’m really sick. Then again, I am a solo worker and spend much of the day alone, on my own terms. If I was immersed in a bustling office for eight hours day, going from meeting to meeting and being pestered with questions, deadlines and problems, I might tend to flake on dinner dates and hang outs more often. Is this because we have all become more inward-facing?
In researching our flaky society, I found myself trawling through many angry Reddit posts about plans being cancelled and people not showing up again and again. From lunch dates to weddings - and even funerals - last minute drop outs seem to be becoming more that just a one-off. The ease of sending a quick text to cancel also means people don’t have to face those they let down. Professional event organisers and business owners have reported a rise in no-shows post-Covid, too. Commitment isn’t as meaningful anymore; dentist and hairdresser’s appointments, ticketed events, job interviews or business meetings, all are experiencing no-shows. The Guardian recently reported that one volunteer organiser for a non-profit from Canada said, “At one point, I scheduled a lecture with 45 registrants, only to have three arrive.”
So is everybody just utterly exhausted? Is the never-ending communication and pings and notifications a bombardment of privacy, driving us to crave more time alone? This fast-paced online world has made it impossible to take a break. Keeping on top of WhatsApp messages is a full-time job in itself, never mind the messages on your work phone. Rather than going out, maybe we just truly enjoy staying in. And sometimes - just sometimes - isn’t it a complete relief when your plans are cancelled?
Of course, there is the spotlight now on mental health. Cancellations can often be due to a result of permanent exhaustion, work stress, illness or a lack of funds. And why should anybody apologise for prioritising their personal needs over those of others? Perhaps ‘flakiness’ isn’t the correct word as it belittles a bigger problem. People aren’t just dropping out for no reason. There is a strong, legitimate reason in response to how society is now structured. Our lifestyles are too frantic to keep up with being here, there and everywhere all at once.
Still, we are only human. As we endeavour to be understanding of a flaky society we also can’t help feeling frustrated too. The constant ebb and flow of cancelled plans is making it difficult to maintain stability with social connection. In short, we are missing out on the opportunity for relationships to develop and blossom. When a friend becomes flaky, it can affect our self-esteem and spiral us into overthinking. Have I done something wrong? Did I say something offensive the last time we spoke? Am I boring? Does my friend have a better offer? Trust begins to slip out of the window.
Then there is the BIG IDEA for a group get together, which everybody is 100% on board with…until the WhatsApp group pings with excuses. That weekend away drinking fizz in a hot tub snowballs into a logistical nightmare of date clashes and commitment phobia. The party dwindles from 20 down to 10, trickling down to a few hangers on who decide to MUTE conversation. We all know the score and have likely experienced being in both camps. But for those who flake more often that not, is this going to eat away at the foundations of a great friendship?
It’s tricky. We all want to do fun things, go to nice restaurants, take in a show. Whether it’s a party of five, fifty or just a one-to-one, humans thrive on connection. We want to have a jolly good laugh. But something that seemed like a great idea a few months ago, might not suddenly be the thing you’re in the mood for when that day finally comes around. A lot depends on anxiety, cash-flow, other commitments. We are also witnessing an increase in people giving up drinking, or cutting down at least. Cost of living has skyrocketed and responsibilities are weighing heavily upon the shoulders of many. Taking this into consideration, why wouldn’t you make an excuse to cancel last-minute and tick the self-care box?
If you happen to be getting the brunt of this, being the person always getting flaked on, you have every right to feel frustrated and to call the behaviour rude. But after the frustration passes, ask yourself, “What’s really going on with my friend?” Don’t assume that because she doesn’t show up, she’s too busy, too important, or too in demand. Instead, she may be too scared, too stressed, or too sad.
It used to bruise. My friends describe me as “reliable”. Perhaps I am just a people pleaser, or maybe a bit of a bore, always available. Sticking to a plan suits me in a way that it doesn’t suit others. But since our flaky society has become more, ahem, flaky, I have learnt to use a cancellation to my advantage. It belongs to the saying, “What is meant for you won’t pass you by…” So I choose to believe that my time is better used elsewhere if my plans don’t come into fruition. Going home to get my work done is probably a better shout than procrastinating over a quick (long) coffee straight after the school drop-off. If I don’t have that lunch date, maybe I can get my nails done instead. And if you cancel an evening plan, the alternative ain’t so bad. Who’s going to argue with your sofa, PJs and remote? It is Oscars season, after all…
// Hayley Doyle
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