Career Chat // Negotiating My Salary Without Crying

The first time I tried to negotiate my salary, I cried. Not a full-on sob, but the hot, embarrassing kind where your voice wobbles and your eyes start watering, and suddenly you’re dabbing at your face with a tissue you did not plan to use.

It was awful. I walked out of the room convinced I’d just ruined my professional reputation forever. Spoiler: I didn’t. I got the job, and later I even got a raise. But the memory of sitting there, trying to explain why I was worth more money while my mascara betrayed me, still makes me cringe.

Here’s the truth no one tells you: most of us, especially women, weren’t raised to ask for more. We were raised to be grateful, polite, accommodating. So, when it comes to putting a price tag on our work, it feels like we’re breaking some unspoken rule.

But here’s what I’ve learned, after a few shaky-voiced attempts and some much better ones: you can negotiate your salary without crying. (Okay, maybe you’ll still cry a little, but it can happen in the bathroom after the meeting, not during.)

// Do Your Homework - Then Actually Believe It

The internet is a blessing. Glassdoor, LinkedIn, PayScale, you can find out what people in your role are making and compare. The harder part? Actually, believing you’re worth that number.

The first time I saw that the market rate for my role was significantly higher than what I was earning, I thought, Sure, but those are for people who actually know what they’re doing. Imposter syndrome, my old frenemy.

Eventually, I had to trick myself into confidence: I wrote the number down, stuck it on a Post-it, and repeated it until it felt normal. It’s ridiculous, but it worked.

// Practice Without the “Sorrys”

I used to start every ask with an apology: “Sorry to bring this up but…” or “I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but…” Do you know what that sounds like? It sounds like you don’t even believe you deserve what you’re asking for.

Now I rehearse. Out loud. In the mirror. To my plants. To my best friend who had to role-play as my imaginary boss and pretend to “think about it” while I sweated bullets across the couch.

And when the words feel clunky, I edit them. I’ve replaced “Would it be possible…?” with “I’d like to discuss…” Tiny swaps, but they make me sound like I mean business—even when I’m shaking inside.

// The Silence Will Kill You (But Don’t Fill It)

Here’s what no one tells you: after you ask, they’ll go quiet. And that silence feels like an eternity. I used to fill it with nervous babble—“Or, you know, whatever works for you, I’m flexible, haha!”—basically negotiating against myself.

Now? I shut up. Sometimes I bite the inside of my cheek just to stop words from spilling out. And you know what? The silence usually works in my favour. People take a moment, and then they respond.

// Set Your Bare Minimum

The bravest thing I ever did was decide my “no-go” number before walking in. It was terrifying. But it gave me an anchor. Even when my voice wobbled, I knew what I could and couldn’t accept.

One time, the offer didn’t meet that number. And for the first time ever, I walked away. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I panic that I’d never get another job? Also, yes. But a week later, another role came along, and I got it, at my number. That moment taught me something: walking away isn’t failure. It’s self-respect.

// Celebrate the Ask (Not Just the Outcome)

Not every negotiation ends in fireworks. Sometimes you get exactly what you ask for. Sometimes you don’t. But every single time you ask, you win. Because you’re training yourself to believe you deserve more, and that is powerful.

Negotiating is awkward, uncomfortable, and yes, sometimes tear-inducing. But it’s also necessary. Because no one is going to magically hand you the raise you deserve just for being polite. You have to ask.

And if you do end up crying in the bathroom afterward? Congratulations, you still did it. And next time, you’ll be a little braver, a little steadier, and a little less likely to need that tissue.