Being A Mum Of Boys. An Absolute Wife-Mare

I’m a people pleaser. Always have been. I absolutely cannot bear it if I feel like someone doesn’t like me. Even if I don’t like them.

It’s been a crippling character trait of mine since childhood, and despite my Mum telling me that as soon as I entered my forties I would give zero f’s about whether anyone liked me or not; here I am, aged 43, still hoping desperately that the woman on the till in Sainsbury’s thought I was an A star customer.

I’ve been reading all the goss in the press recently about Queen Victoria (Beckham. Obvs) and the escalating problems between her and her daughter-in-law Nicola Peltz and it’s the stuff of my 4am waking nightmares.

I have three sons.

They may well end up with three wives (hopefully not each):

What if they don’t like me? What if none of them like me?

It’s a tale as old as time. A little boy adores his mother, thinks she can do no wrong. The little boy grows up, falls in love, and that love pulls him away from his heartbroken mother who is left to grieve her empty nest. I’ve heard raising a son described as the ‘slowest break-up of your life’, and ohhh my; that hits hard.

It genuinely frightens me because the tale is true. I’ve seen it from the inside as a daughter-in-law, I’ve seen it from the outside watching my friends complex relationships with their mother-in-laws and the repercussions that has on their husbands connection to their original family.

The wonderful thing about a mothers love for her children is also the thing which can invite in so much pain. It’s visceral, all-consuming and in truth won’t be matched by a partner. My love for my sons is unconditional, there’s nothing they could do which would make me turn away from them. However with a wife, or any partner, the love can never truly be unconditional in my opinion. And rightly so. Intimate relationships require boundaries, and they must have standards which mean you can walk away if things are unacceptable.

And therein lies the power struggle. Who loves him most? Who looks after him most? Who knows him best? I’m very impressed by the man who can manage that seesaw between wife and mother without leaving the mother feeling usurped or the wife feeling undermined.

Vicky B’s situation proves that even untouchable celebs aren’t exempt from the fallout of this most delicate of relationship dynamics. The Beckham’s super-close clan is reported to have been destroyed by the wedge Brooklyn’s wife Nicola Peltz has driven between them. How much of this is true and how much is salacious showbiz gossip we’ll never really know; but it’s definitely true that the wife is a powerful influence on the man when it comes to how much time he spends (or doesn’t spend) with his family.

I’ve been a daughter-in-law. It’s not an easy role to play at any time. The matriarch of the family has stamped her preferred ways of doing things on her family over decades and it’s a hurricane in the making if another strong woman marries into the family and wants to do things even slightly differently. But what if that matriarch was the one and only Victoria Beckham? I imagine it could be slightly intimidating… even if you are the daughter of a billionaire yourself.

Although all of the above means I have sympathies with Nicola, from the point of view of where I am in my life now, it’s Victoria’s plight that frightens me most. And that’s before you bring kids and grandkids into the equation. Let’s be honest; Mother-in-laws on the blokes’ side, even if they’re very well-loved, finish behind the Mother-in-law on the womans side. It starts from the very moment the first grandchild comes into the world.

Again, I know from my days of being a new mother… it was my Mum I wanted there holding my hand and telling me I would be OK. It was my Mum I trusted to look after my baby in the way I wanted and needed. It was my Mum who I wanted to spend time with and take the baby round to visit. As much as I wanted my children to have a great relationship with their paternal grandmother, my instincts brought me back to my own mother.

So where does that leave me when my three boys grow up, meet a partner and hopefully provide me with lots of gorgeous perfect grandchildren? Will I get to have that fantastic bond with them, or will I be kept slightly at arms length, while they spend loads of time with the wives’ mothers?

Well, I do have hope. Only because I’ve seen how differently it can pan out observing my sister-in-law with my mother. It really does depend on what kind of mother-in-law you choose to be.

In my early days of motherhood I was offered a lot of unsolicited advice from my M-I-L, a healthy dose of disguised criticism on a reular basis and there was always just this overriding feeling that I would never be good enough for her only son (spoiler alert: turns out I was too good).

My mum has handled the situation in a completely different way. She looks at my sister-in-law with undisguised awe, constantly praising and encouraging her and wondering how on earth my brother was lucky enough to find such a gem.

Sure, their relationship isn’t perfect all of the time, but it’s darn near close. So what’s the secret? It’s not just because they’re both nice people. Their are lots of nice M-I-L’s out there combined with lots of nice D-I-L’s… but still the tension persists.

Clinical psychotherapist Deanna Breann has a few tips for me (and for poor old Posh). For now, I will repeat them as part of my 4am mantra when I lie awake worrying my 14 year old son’s new girlfriend doesn’t like me…

● Get to know your daughter-in-law as a person

This one makes so much sense. Get to know her as more than just your sons partner. What does she love? What makes her tick? Cultivate a friendship with her outside of their relationship.

● Identify your expectations for the MIL/DIL relationship

This one is going to be particularly important for me… I know that never having had a daughter I might be very inclined to think I have a new ready-made best friend. Hands up if you think I’m a bit too full on!? Remembering that she may have very different expectations of how close our relationship will be is key.

● Be willing to look at your own behaviour

The ability to reflect and evolve is vital in this delicate relationship. Why am I behaving the way I am? Is it out of jealousy? Why do I feel threatened and am I being a tad irrational?

● Focus on being happy, not on being right

Any relationship involves misunderstandings and miscommunications. But ultimately do I want to spend time proving I’m right, or do I want to spend time having a great relationship with my DIL and grandkids.

● Accept your relationship with your son will change

OOF! Sharp intake of breath from me on reading that one. As tough as it is to deal with change, try to see any change in your relationship with your son as a positive thing. He loves this person, he wants you to love this person too. To nurture your relationship with your son you must embrace the changes that come from him having someone else permanent in his life besides you.