10 Questions To Ask Before Starting A Family Together

When you first get together with somebody, depending on your age, thinking about what it will be like to start a family is hardly top of your agenda. But, as you get further into your relationship, it’s important to discuss what family life might look like.

It's not something that should be taken lightly and is something that should be a very open conversation as early as you feel is best. This can include lots of different topics, including how you plan to parent, how many kids you'd like, and if there are any religious beliefs you'll be having. There's a lot to consider, so we've given you a roundup of the top 10 things to discuss before starting a family.

1. If and When?

Probably the most obvious place to start would be whether you want to have children. This can be the hardest subject to discuss, but it's the best place to start.

These days, people are choosing to have kids later or not at all, but you want to make sure that if you are getting into a serious relationship, you're aligned on what that looks like.

Once you decide that it is something you would like to do, it's important to decide between you what that timeline looks like.

2. Parenting Style

What kind of parent do you see yourselves being? How was your upbringing, and how will that affect the way you raise your children? Is it something you'd like to be like or that you prefer to do differently?

This can include discipline, boundaries, and even modern subjects such as screen time.

3. Lifestyle changes

There is no doubt that bringing children into the world certainly has an impact on the way you lead your life. You can't drop everything to go on random holidays or nights out. Things need to be planned, and that is something to take into consideration as it can be a slight shock to the system. Discussing how a child can change your lifestyle will prepare you both in advance of what that could look like. How would you balance your time and your parenting responsibilities?

4. Money

Often, if you have been together for a while or are married, finances are something you've already discussed. However, it's an important topic to consider as having children certainly changes the financial balance in a household. What will that look like from a budgeting perspective? Will one of you be staying home initially? What will the childcare look like in the long term? It's also good to consider things like life insurance and saving for emergencies that often happen when children are involved.

Another big topic when it comes to money is schooling. As we all know, schooling in this region can be extremely expensive, and it's not always included within people's packages. Researching what that schooling fee could look like from age 3 upwards gives you a better understanding of how to manage your finances sensibly.

5. Fertility issues

Discussing what your fertility journey could look like is not always the most comfortable conversation, but it's good to have a clear understanding of where you both stand. Should it not be the ‘simplest’ route to pregnancy? What are the options? What are you comfortable with? This can include things like fertility treatment, adoption, or surrogacy. Knowing where you both stand on this will help make the process much easier.

6. Your fears

Having this conversation is a scary conversation, but the reality of having children can bring up many more fears than you realised. Being open and communicating before this alleviates the pressure of any (or at least some) fears being felt. A problem shared is a problem halved, and it's important to voice any concerns you may have prior to starting a family.

7. Conflicting parenting styles

As much as you discuss your preferred parenting style before having kids, there will be times when you don't agree on everything. Things that catch you off guard or ways you may feel that you weren't expecting to feel before starting a family, and this is all completely normal. Working out how you get together as a team and resolve conflicts is extremely important.

8. Sharenting

Where do you both stand when it comes to sharing images of your children on social media? Your child’s digital footprint is entirely controlled by you in the early days. Don’t put out what you can’t get back.

9. The Future

No one is expecting you to have your full plan laid out ahead of you. But understanding what that might look like can help. How many children do you want? What kind of family life do you see? If you are having multiple children? Are you having them close together? Or what's the age gap?

As many of us are expats here in this region, it's always good to decide what your plan is when it comes to your future life as parents. Do you plan to have your kids grow up here? Or might that be back home? If that's back home, what does that look like?

10. Keeping the spark alive

A big and not irrational fear of many people who start a family is losing who they were before having kids. A very important topic to keep as an open conversation is how you will make time for each other.

This won't happen at the start of having a small baby, but once the baby is older and sleeping a little bit longer through the night, you can make time for each other again. Remembering where you were before children, it can be very consuming and seem like you're in a baby bubble for years, but communicating, remembering you're a team, and getting those little snippets of time for the two of you keeps the spark alive.