My Midi Life Crisis

By Kellie Whitehead

I know, I *know* I can ‘wear what I want’ and it does not matter what anyone else thinks, but it matters what I think so today the body positive movement can go away.

I’m 44 and I’m having a moment. It’s not actually a moment, it’s a decades long battle against what I want to wear and what I don’t look like a bag of custard in.

Currently, it’s the fault of the mid length skirt or dress. Everywhere they are, and not a new trend, but can I find anything else? NO.

No offence at all to you lovelies who wear them - I do too, when I’m not venturing out in public or the occasion calls for heels. Currently, *no* occasion calls for heels, and may I point you to the above note on absolutely no other length being available anywhere.

That’s not true of course - you can certainly buy *minis* but we won’t even go there today.

It started off as a trend - almost a uniform between twee middle class mummy blogger types - sweatshirt - check - pleated midi skirt - check - Adidas Stan Smiths - 215 likes and a flurry of heart emojis.

I even bought two - one i even *wore* but when your waist is higher than Simon Cowell's belt and your mottled cankles the size that warrant ‘support tights’ - it was not a good look. The waistbands are not made to sit under your breasts and the pleats - well - my bottom does not thank you for them. Look out for the Zara BNWT ebay listing soon.

I am blessed with many things, but a regular shape is not one of them. I have cellulite from said cankles to my neck, varicose veins and saddlebags to make John Wayne proud. Trousers have always been a struggle and I haven’t worn shorts since I was 14. I was thin and lovely for many years after that, but they just do not fit properly and they are not enough hours in a day to be constantly pulling fabric out of places it has no right being in. I also look a right plum in jeans.

Dresses - my saviour , well, as long as they are not empire line. Am I the only woman in the world with an hourglass upper body - *with* a pandemic induced super belly? Mine starts at the top, I look like a capital D side on. Empire style dresses just make me look 11 months gone and I’m being kind to myself. Even larger women seemingly pull off a blousey dress that’s shorter, because they have actual legs that don’t frighten children and animals.

If it’s not empire line, if it has a tie waist or similar - bingo, but then of course - it’s a %^&*&^ MIDI LENGTH!!

For the love of all things Trinny/Gok and the rest can someone please make a fabulous throwback to the days of swishing maxi length skirts and dresses - the type you either need taking up or to wear vertiginous wedges beneath to actually walk in.

I’m so midi mad right now I don’t even have the energy spoons to talk about crop tops. Crop tops. For women. Over the age of 15. I *mean* …

I point blank refuse to give up. I love clothes and fashion and I know what suits me. My problem is more with what is in my head versus what retailers are actually selling. It’s summer so I am more grumpy than ever - give me winter with a pair of 60 denier black tights and I’m golden.

To end this rant with something to leave you with, I do want to give a shoutout to my favourite insta huns who are totally on the scale of inspiration. If you are basically over 25 and don’t really subscribe to the international Love Island cast member aesthetic - check out Erica and Kat if you haven’t already

@erica_davies

Former fashion editor, Erica Davies is the author of a book called ‘Leopard is a Neutral’ and frankly that should be all you need to know, because it is.

Erica is a beacon of the inspirational/aspiration lovers of all things colour and style for clothes and dreamy interiors. A minimalist she is not, and most often not working to a budget, her feed is full of gorgeousness and her ‘where to buy’ guides on stories take a look and show you where to buy similar, for all budgets. We would totally be friends. I do not think she would be my friend.

@doesmybumlook40

Someone who I wouldn’t just be friends with, but actually BFF’s with is Kat Farmer, AKA ‘ Does My Bum Look 40’ - I’m pretty sure I have been following her somewhere even pre the ‘gram. Relatable, funny and the best puller of faces, massive specs wearing Kat is a total clotheshorse and loves a pocket. Tall and slim, whilst most things seem to work on her, she is a brilliant stylist and serial ‘try it on -er’ - check out her feed, you’ll love her as much as I do.